


An Unexpected Problem

by Child_of_Eru



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Dwarfs with pms, PMS, They're all female!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-12
Updated: 2013-11-12
Packaged: 2018-01-01 07:37:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1042130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Child_of_Eru/pseuds/Child_of_Eru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Bilbo set out on her adventure she expected the dragon to be the worst of it. She was very, very wrong. The greatest peril on their journey could be summed up in three letters: P M S. Because, despite the beards, the dwarfs were female. At first that felt reassuring. But it was not long before the problems started…</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Unexpected Problem

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alkjira](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alkjira/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Stories I'm Not Really Writing, Or: The Ideas Won't Leave Me Alone!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1017856) by [alkjira](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alkjira/pseuds/alkjira). 



> This is all alkjira's fault. Period. (And yes that pun was intended.)

When Bilbo set out on her adventure she expected the dragon to be the worst of it. She was very, very wrong. The greatest peril on their journey could be summed up in three letters: P M S. Because, despite the beards, the dwarfs were female. At first that felt reassuring. But it was not long before the problems started… 

It began shortly after they left the homely inns behind and entered into the wilds. It was almost _that time of the month_ , and to top it all off it was raining. Brilliant. And as they were getting ready to make camp, they realized that wasn’t even all of it. Gandalf was gone. Thorin ordered camp to be set up where they were, much to Óin’s dismay.  
“Lost her darn mind, she has,” she muttered to herself. But, being practically deaf and all, she spoke a little louder than intended. And Thorin was in a particularly foul mood herself.  
“Excuse me?!” she thundered loud enough for Óin to hear. “Are you questioning my orders?!”  
Óin jumped at the excessive anger, but didn’t back down.  
“Well how do ye expect us to get a fire goin’ in this infernal place, did ye think of that o mighty queen?!”  
“I don’t think infernal is the right word about this weather,” Ori pointed out as Thorin gave a mighty roar and launched herself at Óin.  
“Stop stop stop!” Glóin intervened. “We’re all tired and hungry! Once we get somethin’ to eat ye’ll be feelin’ better, ’m sure. And don’t ye worry ‘bout the fire, sister. We’ll get it going, ye’ll see.”  
The queen just shot her a furious look and stomped away while the sisters gathered the all too wet wood and got working on the fire. It soon became apparent, however, that Glóin had been wrong – they couldn’t conjure up as much as a spark. Óin shot her a dirty look.  
“Told ye it couldn’t be done,” she muttered, at which point Glóin too lost her temper.  
“Well maybe it would if ye tried a little harder instead of being so bloody pessimistic!” (Bloody, hee hee!)  
Her outburst had drawn the attention of the rest of the company.  
“You mean we won’t be getting any stew?” Fíli asked, lip quivering. Bombur looked utterly destroyed.  
“Of course we won’t get any fucking stew, there’s no damn fire!” Dwalin roared. Fíli flinched and tears welled up in her eyes. Fighting hard to control her sobbing, the princess turned and rushed away towards the trees.  
“You… you _fucking cocksucker_!” Kíli yelled at Dwalin and ran after her sister. Dwalin gave another thundering roar and reached for her hammer. Dori gave a shrill scream and fell over the rain soaked firewood. Both Thorin and Glóin threw themselves at Dwalin in an attempt to hold her down. It took half an hour, and some help from Balin, before they’d convinced her not to run after Kíli and smash her head in. Or gut her. Or any of the other vile things she threatened to do if she managed to get her hands on the princess. When things had simmered down somewhat, Glóin turned to Dori and snapped:  
“Would ye get yer arse of the wood so we can light the sodding fire?!”  
While Dori stumbled around trying to escape Glóin’s rage Óin muttered to herself – loud enough for everyone to hear.  
“Won’t be no fire in this infernal weather.”  
“I still don’t think that’s the proper use of the word,” Ori mumbled.  
Nobody answered either statement. But several of the dwarfs (Bombur, Dori and Nori) complained about the lack of hot food. Bilbo finally snapped out of her paralyzing fear to join in the complaining. It was at this point they realized they were missing a pony. Fíli and Kíli were just returning to the camp and the younger one quickly found the pony with her archer’s eyes. She gave shout and rushed off towards the river.  
“Oi! Bungo! Get back here you silly boy!”  
“Kíli! Stay out of the water!” Fíli yelled and ran after her sister.  
But Kíli didn’t listen. She was already halfway into the stream and reaching for the reins. And lost her footing.  
“Kíli!”  
“No! Fíli, stay where you are!” Thorin shouted hurrying towards her oldest niece. “Stop, don’t go after her!”  
But she was too late. The blond princess (lol (sorry)) was already wading out into the cold, fast-flowing water. And her sister was quickly floating out of range. Kíli was fighting to keep her face above the surface. Fíli was trying desperately to reach her. Thorin was yelling and running. Balin was crying. Dori was running around in circles screaming “whatdowedowhatdowedo”. Óin shouting and waving her arms, trying to get everyone’s attention. Balin was doing the same, while hurrying downstream with Dwalin on her heels. Bifur was hitting her head repeatedly against a rock. Bofur was trying to hold her back. Bombur was sneaking food from the packs. Glóin was looking from her sister to Thorin to Balin to the girls in the water, obviously confused and indecisive. Ori was watching her sister with huge eyes. Nori was covering her ears and shaking her head. Bilbo was just staring at the absurd scene. Then she shook her head and ran after Balin and Dwalin. She reached them just as Kíli and the pony came down the river. Dwalin grabbed the reins and pulled. She had a good grip, put her feet were slipping in the mud. Balin threw her arms around her sister’s waist. Glóin finally made up her mind and started helping with the pony. Then Kíli lost her grip and was swept away by the dark water.  
“NOO!” Fíli screamed as she watched her sister disappear. She tried desperately to catch up to her, but she was a poor swimmer and was close to drowning herself.  
“FÍLI!” Thorin caught her niece’s coat and dragged her kicking and screaming back to the riverbank. Everything was chaos. Then Bilbo caught Kíli with a branch.  
“Oi! Over here!”  
Fíli stopped fighting and ran for her sister. Thorin was there first and pulled the younger girl out of the water.  
“Kíli! KÍLI!”  
She wasn’t breathing.  
“Out of my way! Out of my way!” Óin shouted and shoved Fíli aside. She then quickly kneeled by Kíli and started pushing water out of her lungs. Luckily she soon started coughing.  
“Kíli!”  
“Kíli are you okay?!”  
Both Thorin and Fíli were crying with relief.  
“I’m ‘kay Fee. Don’t worry so much.”  
Fíli just kept sobbing and took her sister in her arms, holding her tight to her chest. Thorin got to her feet and started ordering people around. Bofur went to get a couple of blankets for them and when she returned she looked at her queen and had to fight back a smile.  
“Thorin… are ye _crying_?”  
Ori started giggling like crazy and Thorins cheeks regained their color very quickly.  
“No. ‘M just wet,” she mumbled in a thick voice. Bofur’s smile got too big to hide and Glóin coughed to hide her laugh. Ori kept giggling like she’d gone completely bonkers. Kíli was too tired to laugh, but smiled silently in her sister’s coat.  
“Would you stop giggling?!” Thorin yelled at the top of her lungs and stomped away while Ori collapsed at the muddy ground, still in a hysterical fit of giggling. Thorin made Fíli let go of her sister and helped them both back to camp. They still had no fire, but she made them change into semi-dry clothes and practically buried them in blankets. She was still crying.  
“We’re fine you know,” Kíli commented when her auntie (!) gave her a bear hug.  
“You could’ve died. Both of you,” she mumbled and pulled Fíli into the embrace as well. 

Over by the not-actually-a-fire-but-more-a-pile-of-very-wet-wood Bombur tried to hide the evidence of her food theft when Bofur found her. She took one look at her sister and started laughing.  
“That’s so you Bom, thinking about yer stomach when people are drowning!”  
Bombur blushed and stuttered something that sounded vaguely like… uhm, well… it was rather unintelligible, but it was probably something about nobody actually dying. Bofur just laughed.  
“Well it’s not like you really need it anyhow! Ye’re bigger than me pony!”  
Still laughing she grabbed some food and headed over to the queen and her nieces.  
“Here ye go! Ye’ll need it.”  
Thorin wouldn’t look at her, and Fíli was busy wiping snot of her face, but Kíli gratefully took the offered food. Of course, she wasn’t thankful for long – Bofur usually managed to insult everyone around her this time of the month. This time it was the beard.  
“Ye know, the good thing ‘bout not havin’ a real beard is ye don’t have to wait forever for it te dry.”  
She chuckled and left – which was probably a good thing since Thorin looked about as murderous as Dwalin had. Kíli looked like she was going to cry. Then Óin came up to them.  
“Well it’s goin’ te take too long to get you dry anyhow in this infernal weather,” she muttered.  
“That really isn’t the proper word you know,” Ori commented again.  
“Would you shut up?!” Nori snapped. “Nobody cares about you and your fucking vocabulary-lessons!”


End file.
